Learning to Love Better

Selfishness is a habit not easily gotten rid of. For the past twenty years of my life, I've been a self-centered child. Everything revolved around my wants, whims, etc--at least in my own mind it did. There were times, of course, when I could see beyond my self to see the needs of others. It's just that those times were so few and far between.

But things are beginning to change in my heart, albeit very slowly. Every day I am striving to be less selfish, to think more of my husband and what he needs or wants. It's certainly not easy, but especially in the last few days, God has given me the strength, patience and grace to say "no" to me, and "yes" to Bo.

The funny thing is, when I'm thinking more about him, when I'm more concerned with pleasing him than myself--I'm so much more happy. My heart feels warm, full and...whole, when I do what I believe God created me to do--take care of my husband and love him.

Love, I have begun to learn, is a journey. It's not something you simply fall into and remain in without lifting a finger. Although at first you may "fall" into love, after awhile you discover that love is a process, a walk, a series of decisions to put someone else before yourself. I suppose what I'm trying to say is, contrary to popular belief--you don't fall in love and stay perfectly happy for the rest of your life without working at it.

Love takes work. Love takes selflessness. Love takes strength. Love takes focus.

Oh, but it gives you so much joy. Once you get past the first resistance of your flesh, your heart surges with a warmth and contentment that is quite hard to describe.

So slowly I am going down this path, and where it ends, I am uncertain. All I know is that I am happier by the side of this man than I have ever been in my life. I pray God gives me the grace and strength to daily be what I should for Bo.

Extended Honeymoon

Bo and I have had what my Father-in-Law likes to call an "extended honeymoon." I never thought of it like that, but in some ways, it was a very accurate term. Bo was laid off from August 1st to September 5th, and 90% of those days he was at home. I worked at the Pita Pit up until August 28th, and then we had a good solid month were both of us were unemployed.

Call me odd, but it was very wonderful. Being with the one you love pretty much 24/7 can be a fantastic thing. It really let us grow closer together. Of course most of that time, unlike our real honeymoon, we spent at home, doing nothing other than watching movies or playing video games together. And that's the key right there: together.

I have grown to depend on him very much. Not so much in the way that I need him to do a million things for me, on the contrary, I can do much of that myself. I emotionally depend on him. I am so used to him being next to me, all night, and all day, that when he started his new job, for awhile it was very strange.

I still miss him very much during the day. A wife with no children, and no job, soon runs out of cleaning to do--and resorts to playing video games. Or at least I did.

But as lonely as it is to be without him at home, it is even more so when I'm with my family. I went, one Sunday, to visit my parents. We had told them we were going to come up, only that morning Bo woke up feeling sick. He demanded I go, saying he would feel worse if I stayed and disappointed them. I shouldn't have gone, I should have stayed with him. But I went anyway. It wasn't very long after I got there that I felt suddenly alone. It was nice to see my family, but without my husband to lean against, to gently rub my back as we sat and chatted with the family, I longed for him.

But this is life, and I cannot have him always with me. I suppose this is where that verse in Genesis proves its validity. There, God said to Eve, "...thy desire shall be to thy husband..." A simple portion of scripture, but it's so true. My desire is always to my husband.

We're becoming accustomed to his being away at work. He leaves early--at 7:00 AM--, and I get up to kiss him goodbye. After that I usually head back to bed. Only the bed is a touch more lonely, so often I pull the other pillow down parallel to me. That way, when my back is up against it, it's a little bit like when my back is against Bo's back.

Not quite.

It'll never be the same.

But it helps me sleep.

Marriage is a Journey of Love

I set out on this journey on May 22nd, 2009. It is a path that thus far has been the most blissful, and wonderful path I've ever walked. I have found a whole new sense of purpose, and a wonderful awe at the way God works. Though I dreamed of this, I never thought I would ever find such a lovely thing.

I remember well and cherish the beginning of our relationship. I keenly remember every one of my uncertain, wavering steps, and how confidently and sweetly he held my hand. What a task he had, to coax me along this road. How much fear and doubt I suffered, and yet now it all seems so remote.

Looking back I remember only the joy, only the sweetest moments. I feel only the sweet relief of renewed faith after the storm of tears.

And he was so patient, so wonderfully gentle with me. He never let go, and I do believe he never will.

I cannot thank God enough for this love He has given me, for this husband he has allowed to be mine. I will not say things have always been easy. I'm certain we will face our fair share of trials, and I cannot say I have not cried since our marriage. But now such trials are mild, mere shadows of clouds flitting across my beautiful sunrise.

I have heard people say that our love will deepen, through trial and smile, and to this I look forward.